Thursday, April 14, 2011

Please help the writers at Littleton High School!

2008-01-26 (Editing a paper) - 18photo © 2008 Nic McPhee | more info (via: Wylio)
Ladies and Gentlemen,

One of the English instructors at Littleton High School has asked for your help!

What an incredible honor this is!

The high school students have published two Google Sites packed with stories they've written. They'd like to have your valuable feedback. This is an awesome chance for you to work with very talented writers. It's also a chance for you to connect with a high school student or two. Thanks in advance for pushing your thinking and really focusing your best efforts on this work.

Here's the job:

1. Investigate the websites. We'll post the links below. Find a story that you really want to comment on. Be careful, you can't spend too much time making your choice. Your teacher might choose to create a system in order to make sure we are able to comment on all of the work.

2. Once you choose (or are assigned) to a story, it's your job to provide feedback. Think about the kind of feedback you'd like to have for your own writing.

3. Make sure your classroom teacher reads your feedback before you send or post anything. You'll post your feedback here on our blog. In your comment, make sure to begin with the title of the story and the name of the author.

Consider writing:
  • Comments that point out the best things about the writing, in very specific detail
  • Compliments which the author finds encouraging
  • Questions about parts that might be improved
  • A couple of polite and respectful suggestions for improvement
  • Finally, remember to thank the writer for sharing their work with you! 

Here are the websites with the stories you'll be critiquing:



We can't wait to see the great ideas you have to contribute!

~ Mr. Moore and Ms. Vander Velde

Edit: (April 18th, 2011)
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The following was posted as a comment, but we wanted to make sure that everyone noticed the message, so we've added it to the actual post. 
Dear Friends at East Elementary,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about my students' writing. I don't meet with this class every day, so I haven't had a chance to talk with them about your comments. I think I'll make that part of this Friday's lessons. 

I was impressed with the thought and specific details that went into your comments. I can see how hard you work and how hard your teachers push you, which was really cool. Your ability to analyze what you read is strong. Your should feel proud!

Thanks again! I can't wait for my kids to read your posts!

Sincerely,
Ms. Koepke
English Instructor
Littleton High School

Dear L.H.S. Students,
Please feel free to comment here on the blog about the feedback you've received. We can't wait to hear from you! If you'd like an even better collaboration, consider sharing your Google documents with the 5th graders. If you decide to do this, it's probably better to share with one student at a time. Thanks again for this incredible opportunity!
~ The Dragons, Mr. Moore, and Ms. Vander Velde

101 comments:

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  2. Dear Ambir,

    Author of Where is Timmy the Turtle, I also have some questions: Why did you make the kids say, "What happened to Timmy the Turtle?" Also, why did you change from the last phrase, "but Timmy the Turtle is no where to be found." Into "Timmy is still lost." Oh, and I forgot to tell you on the last post, thanks for sharing your work!

    From,
    Jay

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  3. Dear Ambir,

    Here is my comment to your children's book, "Where is Timmy the Turtle".

    I liked how you described how the shell of the turtle looks, like you said, "He has a hard green shell that looks like little squares." Instead of just saying, Timmy has a shell. Instead, you explained how it looked like. I also liked how you made the sentences short and easy to understand, which I think is the best for a children's book, and I also liked how you used a repetitive phrase, "Timmy is still lost", for two sentences, which I like because it sticks the phrase and the story into the kid's mind, like when you write a persuasive essay, you repeat the sentence in which you tell why you think that the topic is important. I also really liked how you used pictures for the parts which would seem most important for the kids, not you.

    From,
    Jay

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  7. Dear Matthew (The Biggest Bully,)
    I like your story, especially because it has a bit of humor, and also a serious situation. The humorous part of your story is when Johnny finds out that the person who caused the bully (Kyle) to run away was Johnny's mother. The serious situation is that Kyle would have really hurt Johnny, or teased him, if Johnny's mother never showed up, just like a real bully. Another reason I like your story is because you wrote your story like a movie script. One way that you could improve your story is by using some more clues near the end of the story to help people understand why Johnny called the person his mom? I think you should improve this because it took me a little while to understand why the mother called Johnny, Hun (before I knew that the person was Johnny's mother.)

    Sincerely,
    Joseph

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  9. Dear Ian,
    I like the title of your story! The title, Cookie Attack is insterstring. I like the part when the cookie attacks the carrot. I like that part because it is funny to imagine that a cookie can attack a carrot. I would like to know if carlos was a chocolate chip cookie or a sager cookie or a different kind of cookie. May you put the kind of cookie in the story? Thank you for sharing the story called Cookie Attack.
    From,
    Jeremiah

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  10. Dear Tiffany,
    I read your story “The Big Prize” and I liked how you wrote “whirly twirly tidy topsy turny super duper fastest roller coaster” instead of saying a fast roller coaster. I think you did a good job describing the roller coaster. But I think when you said Antonio lost his money and his found it right away, I think you should make Antonio take a look time to find it instead of Anna tell him were it might be. Were did you get the idea of the story? I also think that Antonio should have trouble getting the prize for Anna. Thank you so much for sharing your story Tiffany, I really liked the story.

    By,
    Ashley

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  12. Dear Alec,

    Author of "The Wild Recess",
    I really liked how you explained in detail and in depth how the kids at recess ate their lunch. Instead of saying, the kids ate fast, you said, " This recess started out like any other, us sitting in the cafeteria scarfing and some times even inhaling our food as fast as we could." I also really liked hwo you included what Paul really wanted to say, instead of just telling what he really said, like you said, " I could tell that Ryan wanted to just say " I would have got you I was just being nice" but he said " Good job and you will be on my team for-sure tomorrow." I was also wondering, why did you add that the teacher sometimes let the kids play more, as you said, "Some times the teacher would let us go over to see who would win." Thanks for sharing your work!

    From,
    Jay

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  13. Dear Haley K. that wrote Where's my Mom,
    I liked your story because, I liked the idea that the character look in every single continent instead of just looking in the city. If you keep on writing like this you could get really good. One question that I have for you is why did you say “it was my mom”? I don’t think that you needed that part. Other than that part the story is really good. Keep it up.
    East elementary student,
    Brandon

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  15. Dear Skyler D.
    Your story was very good, I like how at the end of the story you ended with "starting now", instead of ending with "To never play to late or to loud", because it is more to say instead of just stopping at a place that would make sense. I also like that would show your work online because people criticize a lot on something they don't like. But I think that you should make "Musical Mice Turn Out the Lights" just a bit shorter because preschoolers are easily side tracked and then would not be able to finish your great story.
    East elementary school student,
    Kara S.

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  17. Dear Anastasia N.

    I like how you said that you do not have to be scare of being you're self because that is truth you do not have to hid you're self. The other thing that I like is that you put a friend in the story so you do not make the kid sad and lonely. I like the dog that you drew and it gives a good example for the book.
    By kassy

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  19. Dear Mathew,

    In your story called “The Biggest Bully” what I really like about your writing is that you have really good dialog and I like how Johnny found out that his mom stand up to the bully. When you talk about the biggest bully you should use some good adjectives to describe the bully here is an example of one, the biggest, meanest, and toughest came at me. You could put some similes what similes are is that they compare like using like or as. Here is an example of a simile the biggest bully is as big as a giant.
    Thanks for sharing your work.

    From,
    Tri

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  20. Dear Caleb M.,
    I liked your book,"Jenie In A Bottle." The things in your story are fantastic! In the beginning of your story you have a patient Jenie. Later you have a inpatient person and how can't focus for the thing what everyone wants. Later that person said, "I just wish I was more focussed." In the end, Your Jenie is still patient and a patient person. So in your story you have a lesson, that lesson is to be patient and be careful for what you wish for! At least I think that is it! A suggestion that I have for you is that you should have Onomatopoeia and Antithesis. Onomatopoeia is words that sound like their meaning.
    Like using words like Buzz, Thump, Snap and Antithesis the exact opposite in one thought or sentence like, “He decided to “finish” his homework before they “finished” him!”


    From,
    Cecilia

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  22. Dear Trevor,
    Your story "The Great Gold Fish" is very entertaining because the gold fish was very big and your characters Sarah and Joey tried to catch the gold fish for their village to eat. I also like when you wrote in your story “The fish was so bright it blinded them to look at it”, that is great because it made a picture in my mind about how Joey and Sarah were looking at the big bright gold fish. The improvements in your story that you could fix are to put specific names in the part “The colors were so so bright and vibrant that It made them want to reach out into the water to touch it” because I was confused about who wants to touch the fish in the water. Also you might want to check that sentence because “It” has a capital letter I. My question is that I want to know if your going to write another story?
    Sincerely,John

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  24. Dear Ian (Cookie Attack!!!,)
    I think that your story is great, how you had great vocabulary like sympathy, perched, vowed and some more interesting words. Another reason I like your story is because you had made a cookie into a monster, and vegetables into “people.” Another reason I like your story is because you used “Couch Potato” into a couch for the vegetables. I also liked how you ended the story, with Clark the vegetable realizing that cookie has no family, and later tells the cookie that he felt sorry, and with cookie promising to never destroy the town again. One thing that you could improve is by using another word than stand when the story said, “Clark began to stand again” and use something like, jumped.

    Sincerely,
    Joseph

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  27. Dear Friends at East Elementary,
    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about my students' writing. I don't meet with this class every day, so I haven't had a chance to talk with them about your comments. I think I'll make that part of this Friday's lessons.

    I was impressed with the thought and specific details that went into your comments. I can see how hard your work and how hard your teachers push you, which was really cool. Your ability to analyze what you read is strong. Your should feel proud!

    Thanks again! I can't wait for my kids to read your posts!

    Sincerely,
    Ms. Koepke
    English Instructor
    Littleton High School

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  28. Little League Loser

    Dear David Risley,
    I really love your writing when you added adjectives. You used them at the right time to make your story a really good one. As a reader, these words helped me create a picture in my mind and it also tells me that you care about what you do in your writing. I also like how you put rhyming words in your story every so often. The thing that I liked best in your story is when you kept repeating what the mom was trying to let her son know and to learn a lesson. I loved how you described how Johnny kept trying to sit and his mom wouldn’t let him. His mom was right, after trying all of those times, he was finally able to do it. Johnny could throw, catch, and hit a ball with a bat. I think that his mom was trying to teach him a another lesson by telling him to never stop and to keep trying hard. I think that you can maybe improve your story by putting a great ending in your story. What I mean by this it to maybe say, you can always make it if you try and you will be able to do anything you put your mind to. One question I have for you is, Why did you choose this story instead of doing another story? I have to say that you have done a spectacular job at putting great words such as ping instead of hit the bat. I could just imagine that I was the character in your story and that I couldn’t play baseball and that my mom would be telling me to keep going. I also can see myself trying and yet failing, and then all of a sudden I can do all of those things that I couldn’t do before. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

    Your Reader,
    Madison

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  29. Dear Haley Kellog,

    I really liked your story because you told where Gary the Giraffe went and the other animals he met while searching for his mom like Alli the Alligator and Peter the Panda. I liked how you used the animals’ first letter of their names the same letter of their animal name. My favorite part in your story was when Gary was walking back, he saw his mom and went home because I know that if after searching for my mother through all seven continents, I would of been happy to see her and went home right away to see if she were okay. I also liked when you named all seven continents Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, Antarctica, North America, and South America than just saying the seven continents because some children don’t know what the names of the seven continents. One question that I have for you is that why didn’t Gary’s mom come back home than just go off somewhere during a scary rainstorm? Couldn’t Gary’s mom have gotten hurt during the rainstorm? Thank you for your time.

    Sincerely,
    Jessica

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  30. “Herman the Dancing Turtle”
    Dear Claire Rouse,
    I really liked your story. I like how you used good adjectives to help describe your story. With all the details you put in it was really easy to make a picture or movie in my mind. One thing you didn’t do was tell the setting before Herman went to the hospital. Another thing I noticed was that you had the right punctuation in the right places and you had great vowels in your story too. One thing I don’t understand is first you said that Herman was going to dance for the children in the neighborhood then you said Herman went to the hospital to dance for them. Were the children in the neighborhood at the hospital? I think in the future you should become a children's writer. Thank you for letting me read your story.

    From,
    Eli

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  31. ‘’Jenie In The Bottle’’
    Dear Caleb M. Burkett,
    I like your story, I think it is very interesting because it shows how a kid was being selfish but then he learned his lesson and then there was a happy ending. I think you could have done something different at the end. You still could have done a happy ending but maybe something different happened, so there would be a twist. Maybe you could have said that people forgot about the fireworks and maybe saw that the kid (Mikey) was very sorry, and then forgive him. Another thing a liked about your story because you used describing words like mournful and toga,( I had to look up those words.) Also you described how he was seeing the the fireworks. You used dialogue in a very good way, I could picture them in my head talking to each other. A second thing you could work on would be maybe describing a little more about the main character. I didn’t really understand him. But I think your story is really good, thank you for preparing it for us to give you feed back.
    From,
    Alexa

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  32. “Herman The Dancing Turtle”

    Dear Clarie Rouse,
    I really liked how you broke your writing into paragraphs. It would be better if it didn’t have so many paragraphs. Why do you have only one sentence per paragraph? I really like how you put adjectives in each paragraph. I really like your illustrations, but that’s not the point.

    I think that you could improve on the 7th paragraph. You could write, “I could use this talent to do good for the sick children of the neighborhood.”I think that you should have more nouns because you have a lot of adjectives.

    I would really like it if you could have less adjectives and a little more nouns. Instead of writing in little paragraphs you could write in paragraphs that have 2 sentences per paragraph if you want.
    I really like how you used rhyming words every now ands then, but you should use then in the end of the line all the time. Well this are the things you could improve at so that’s about it. Thanks for sharing you story with me.
    From,
    Edgar

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  33. Dear Ambir, author of “Where is Timmy the Turtle”,

    I really liked your book. One thing that I really liked was that you used similar phrases for two sentences, “Marry looks out the window, and Johnny looks in the doll house. Timmy is still lost. I look in the water fountain, Peter looks in the play oven, but Timmy the Turtle is still lost.” Here, you said for the first sentence, “Timmy is lost”, and in the next sentence, you said, “Timmy the Turtle is still lost.” But I was wondering, instead of changing the phrases just a little bit at the end of the sentences, why don't you just use a repeated phrase for all the sentences when the characters are looking for Timmy, like you can say, Timmy the Turtle is nowhere to be found for each sentence where the characters are looking for Timmy the Turtle. Also, I really liked how you used a lot of description, like when you describe how Timmy the Turtle's shell looks like, “He has a hard green shell that looks like little squares.” Instead of just saying, Timmy has a green shell, you described how the shell feels, how it looks, and its color. You told that his shell is hard, and that the shell has little squares. The description helped me understand more about how Timmy looks, and when I read, I can really see Timmy with all the little squares, and I can imagine knocking on the shell, and the hard feeling. I also really like how you made the kids act like they are innocent, when you make the kids say, “What happened to Timmy the Turtle?” Instead of the kids just saying that the turtle is lost, because they are afraid, and I know many, many, little kids who act all innocent when they know they did something bad, or that if they share some news, the person is not going to be happy. Thanks for sharing your work!

    From,
    Jay

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  34. Dear Trevor,
    Your story "The Great Gold Fish" is very entertaining because the gold fish was very big and your characters Sarah and Joey tried to catch the gold fish for their village to eat. I also like when you wrote in your story “The fish was so bright it blinded them to look at it”, that is great because it made a picture in my mind about how Joey and Sarah were looking at the big bright gold fish. The improvements in your story that you could fix are to put specific names in the part “The colors were so so bright and vibrant that It made them want to reach out into the water to touch it” because I was confused about who wants to touch the fish in the water. Also you might want to check that sentence because “It” has a capital letter I. I also like when you use “It was enormous” in the story because I could picture the goldfish and how it swam underneath Sarah's and Joey's boat. When I first read your story I was amaze that you wrote a story that has a little bit of vocabulary. Maybe you could add how big it was and how tall the gold fish. My question is that will you write another story because I liked your first story, and maybe you could write about a shipwreck that has a treasure that was lost and somebody found it. Thank you for sharing your work Trevor.
    Sincerely,John

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  35. Dear Caitlin(author of A Song In Your Heart)
    I liked the part where you wrote "At school on his desk he would shake and rattle,his classmates would whisper, You’re getting on my last nerve, I’m going to tattle." I like this because I can relat to. I make noise in class and I am toled to stop I think this is a grate book all the kides in grade school and that they can all relate to it because every kid I know makes noys and we all say to stop and then we start to do the same things.
    I have a few questions. Why did you say that the kid said he will tatel. Kides say they will tell? What does piter pater mean? Is he going to sail a cd and get fames. You should poot a anuther ending you can say he got fames or you can mix it up and say he woke up and he never said a werd agen because he only did beats and he lernd mores code and he lived hapily ever after. I am not saying that you nead to change it but maby add more.
    Your Frend,
    Mae

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  36. Dear Alec,
    I really like your story “The Wild Recess.” My question for you Alec is, what did the first person have James do (when everyone else was laughing at what the other person had said about James)? I think that you should put in the name of the first person. What I mean is, I think you should put the name of the person you write when you say, “I.” I really like the part when you told James to run down the field as far down as he can so you can pass him the football (because nobody blocks him cause he never gets the ball). I also like when another player on your team tells Ryan to let James just have this one moment so he can feel great about himself. The last part I like about your story is at the very end, when you told what James is now, where he’s at now, and what team he plays for. One last thing Alec, thank you for sharing your story to me.
    ~Brittany

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  38. Dear Matthew, Author of The Biggest Bully,
    I enjoyed your story very much, especially because it simulates a real life situation, with a little bit of humor mixed into it. This makes your story seem like you it because when you bake something you mix ingredients together, just liked you mixed a really tense situation, with a situation that would make about anybody laugh. One thing I liked about your story is you very quickly told the audience where Johnny was coming from and where he was when Kyle came buy to bother him, all in one sentence! I think that is good to do because most authors spend forever trying to explain where the characters are, which makes me loose my attention to the story or book because I think, “C'mon, just get on with the story already!” while you put it in a format which could quickly be read. Another thing I like is how you simulated Johnny being bullied by Kyle. I like how you simulated this situation by having Kyle the bully threaten to hurt Johnny if Johnny doesn't give Kyle his money. Kyle then did try to hurt Johnny when Johnny said he had no money, until an adult shows up to help. This is realistic because a lot of people would have done the same thing Kyle did, threaten to hurt for something, then stop if there is an adult yelling at the person to stop. I also like the humor in your story. What I think was the most funny was when Johnny found that the adult that came to help was his mother! Another great thing in your story is that you wrote it like a script, which is good because I could read your story easily. A way that you could improve your story is by adding more details to help people understand what hun is. I know that hun is what parents sometimes call their children, but at first the word didn’t seem familiar and it took me a while to understand why Johnny called the adult his mother after he heard, “hun!” Another thing you could do is extend your story so that it is longer. Why I told you to do this is so that there are more events, and with more events, it would help people understand previous events. One question I have is, have you ever been bullied? I ask this because if I ever got bullied, I would write a story about a bully, even if it was humorous like yours.

    Sincerely,
    Joseph

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  39. Dear Mariah,
    I read your story Stella’s Aunt Bella and it was really tremendous but I have some suggestions for any further stories or just to adjust Stella’s Aunt Bella. So some suggestions have is maybe use a little different word choice of words for example the word munches or gorges on toads instead of eats toads. Another suggestion that I have is that maybe you can make the story longer or bigger. I think that you should maybe make the story longer or bigger because then you can put more of the best writing you have because that little small part was fantastic. The best thing that I like is that you made Stella say “She’s here” like shes scared because that ending makes people want to read a second book to find out or keep on checking to see if have added some stuff to the story you wrote. I loved how you made Stella say a dramatic think like her aunt Stella will go on her old witches broom and fly a tiger into Stella’s room for an example for her and her mom to be afraid. A question that I have about your writing is that why didn’t you use a presentation to write the book instead of just pressig the enter key for a new page? Also I like how you made the writijng simple and not to hard for us to read because we are in 5th grade. Thank you for sharing your writing with me Mariah because it is a great story and I loved it.
    Your reader,
    KJ or Kevin

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  40. Dear Breana,
    “The Monster Under My Bed”

    I like how you start out with how you wonder how the monster looks like. Then you used specific details like if the monster is skinny, fat, short, tall, humongous, purple, and fuzzy. I will give some advice and feedback, you should of explained how he went running to his mom or when he screamed really hard or when he hidded under his covers. You should also exlaiend how frightened he was. I really enjoyed your story. Thanks for sharing your story with me and keep it up.
    By,
    Alexia

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  41. Valentines Day

    Dear Ristina Lopez

    I like how you organize your story by put in the days of the week in paragraphs. Its Monday morning and the kids are worn out see, I think that you should add you between out and see. If you put you in between out and see it would sound like this, Its Monday morning and the kids are worn out you see. It sounds allot better to me in the way that I think because that this is your whiting and you can edit the work. I also think that you should put it in a presentation to show pages in the story of Valentines Day. I think that you should put space in between paragraphs like what we learned at school of East Elementary school. In the story I fond some capitals that should be in it like this one, what a great week, where students did nothing but seek, on what it should be capitalized because it is a beaning of a paragraph . I want to thank you for lilting me comment on you and it is tough to be comment on people but you are brave to let us comment on you thank you!

    from
    Luke

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  42. Dear Ian, author of “Cookie Attack”,

    I really liked your story, “Cookie Attack”. I really liked this book because of your word choice, the words devotion and sympathy. I really liked this because first off, your word choice, but I also liked this because here, you said that Carlos vowed never to attack the great vegetables of hidden valley, because of Clark’s sympathy and devotion. I liked this because you said in detail why Carlos vowed that he would never attack the vegetables of hidden again, not just saying, Carlos vowed he would never come attack hidden valley again. You told why, which was because of Clark’s devotion of sympathy. Next, I also really liked how you used a lot of adjectives, for example, when you told the part about Carlos the cookie vowing never to attack the vegetables of hidden valley again, instead of just saying vegetables, you said the great vegetables, and I liked this because this showed how Clark felt about the vegetables in hidden valley. I also really liked how you used a lot of detail to explain where Clark was and about the setting, you said, “He was perched upon his favorite couch potato, on a hill of sweet peas that smelled like heaven.” I really liked your simile, when you said, “...on a hill of sweet peas that smelled like heaven.” It really helped me create an image and to see how Clark felt like, and how the peas smelled like. I can imagine the smell creeping up my nose, and I can see how Clark feels like, if he thinks that sweet peas smell like heaven. I was wondering if you could use a more mind provoking ending. I really liked how you added the part about Carlos vowing never to attack the vegetables of hidden valley, but I am not sure that that is the best ending. Also, I was thinking that you could have added more detail about how the cookie looked, smelled like, and about how he sounded like. Thanks for sharing your work!

    From,
    Jay

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  43. Dear Michael M.,
    Toothless Granny
    I like how you stayed on the topic all the way through the story. I also like how on the pictures, you used value in your art. The one thing that I think you should improve on your pictures, is that you should make it a little realistic. I know that it is a fiction story but I think that you should make the fourth picture a more realistic. I also like how you used specific names in your writing. The last thing that I like in your writing is the twist at the end that the ogre had no teeth. The way that you connected the title with the writing is also pretty cool. What was really nice in your writing was that you told the reader the different sizes like-medium, small, and large. One thing that I think you should put in your writing is to show what Tall Tommy looks like. There is also a question that I would like to ask, “Why exactly did you pick an ogre for a character?” Also, “Is there a reason that you did not show Tall Tommy?”
    Also, when you put, “They stepped into the house without the tooth paste for granny.To find out that grandma has no teeth to brush in her ogre mouth.” you should put a comma right after Granny in you first sentence, and not capitalize the “T” in To. Another question is, “Is grandma and granny supposed to be the a proper name?”
    Thank you for sharing your work with me and everyone else.
    Sincerely,
    Jonathan

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  44. Dear Breana,
    So Breana why is your title (The Monster Under My Bed) look scary when the monster is cute and cutely the monster is nice and it is purple? (I like perple)Was the monster waring pajamas or a night gown? (That would be funny if the monster had clowes!) How old is the monster? (You should menchin something like that or say how long did you now that the the monster was there.)
    What did you name the monsteror did you even name it I nead to know? Did he/she talk back to you when you said you would be frends for ever or did he make a noys or any thing like that? (That would be interesting.) Where you scared when you looked under the bed that stuf is important. You nead to say how you feel.H ow late was it when you looked under your bed to see the monster? What was the date that you looked under the bed to see the monster? How old were you when the monster was in your bed?
    I like the part is when I found out that the monster is nice cute and cuddly. I like the way you put "by Breana" in the title of the book that lookes really cool. I like the way you had pitchers most of the stores did not have any. I love your story becaus I can under stand it and it reminded me when I was little and I thought there was a monster under my bed.
    Your Frend,
    Mae

    ReplyDelete
  45. Dear Leigh,

    In your “story My Favorite Season” my favorite part about your story is that when you talk about all the season you give good reasons why you like the season. Like when you talk about winter it talks about you could go sledding, ice skating, and build big snow men. I also like how you tell me what holiday the seasons are in.
    Here is some feed back about your story, when you talk about the seasons you should describe them with some good adjectives. When you use good words it helps to put a picture in peoples mind. When I was reading your writing I form an image in my head. You should use some good similes they uses as or like. For example the snow is as white as cotton balls. You can also use a metaphor what a metaphor is it doesn’t use have like or as. Here is an example for a metaphor, the snow flake are white. It’s different from a similes.
    When you talk about the seasons witch one do like the most out of all of them? Something you can think about is you should write about what you feel about the seasons that you really like. In your writing you talk about why you like the season you should also talk about what don’t you like about the seasons. Thank you for showing your work with me and other students.



    From,
    Tri

    ReplyDelete
  46. Dear Caleb M.,
    I really like your story “Jenie In A Bottle.” My question for you is, why is the format like that? Another question I have is why do you have an “0” at the end of each “page”? Also, for in the future a suggestion is, why not put it in a presentation so the pages actually turn. Like a book, except for on computer. I don’t get when you say, “I want that, don't make me pout!
    Faster than he can run on four feet, he spoofed, and appeared right there in the car.” I was thinking that you could be more pacific about that. I really like the part when you said that little Mickey could not see over the wheel. I thought that that part was the best. One more thing, thank you for sharing your story with me.
    ~Brittany

    ReplyDelete
  47. Dear Karen,
    I liked how you rhymed in the story called The Thump In My Closet. My favorite part in your story is when the boy opened his closet and saw a monster party. I liked this part because usually little kids are too scared so they put the covers over their head. Or sometimes the kid gooses to their Mom. But this boy was brave enough to open the closed door. I would to know What was the little boy’s name? And why did the monsters fell asleep in the morning? I think your pictures look great! My favorite picture was the one where the monsters and the boy are danceing. I like that picture because I think it is funny that a boy can dance with monsters. Thank you for sharing the story called The Thump in My Closet.
    From,
    Jeremiah

    ReplyDelete
  48. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Dear Author of Mice and Max
    I like how you have lots of Interesting words in your story like delirious and dreaming and I like the questions that you have at the beginning of the story. The part when you said that Max was going to miss the beach and the sea when he was going to move to Washington it was sad because he use to have lots of fun in the beach and the sea.
    I think that if you say the size of the house on top of the hill that will be better to know if the house is big or small. I liked so much your story about Mice and Max it was a good story and lots of the word on you r story were very good and finally think you for sharing your work with us.
    From Carlos,

    ReplyDelete
  50. Dear Alec,
    I really like your story “The Wild Recess.” My question for you Alec is, what did the first person have James do (when everyone else was laughing at what the other person had said about James)? I think that you should put in the name of the first person. What I mean is, I think you should put the name of the person you write when you say, “I.” I really like the part when you told James to run down the field as far down as he can so you can pass him the football (because nobody blocks him cause he never gets the ball). I also like when another player on your team tells Ryan to let James just have this one moment so he can feel great about himself. The last part I like about your story is at the very end, when you told what James is now, where he’s at now, and what team he plays for. One last thing Alec, thank you for sharing your story to me.
    ~Brittany

    ReplyDelete
  51. Dear Haley K., “ Where’s My Mom”
    First of all thank you for sharing your writing. I showed your story to my little cousin, he kept laughing. He tryed acting out the story too. Your writing is great! You used words that young readers can understand. But it seems like you repeat the same line over and over again. Maybe you could add simple adjectives like in stead of saying "she looks like me" you could say," She looks very much like me but a little bit taller. She wears pink glasses." something like that. You could always add something more. Your writing is great for little kids. It teaches them the seven continents of the world. What were you intending to do with writing this book/ story. You can also describe the animals that Gary saw. You could also change the other animals responses. They just say no they could say “ No, but I saw her going east” by adding directions you have more sentimental value. At the end you could say how happy Gary was when he saw his mom. Maybe you could add how he hugged her with joy or something. But keep on writing your off to a great start
    From,
    Andrea

    ReplyDelete
  52. Dear Andrew S , Author of {A Family Of Fun} , I real liked your story. Your story had a good title. And it was funny that ever day the family of fun ate gum ever day. You can add at the end if the family of fun finally ate something health. Not the same thing over and over. Even you can add the family's name's. For example the moms name can be Lisa the dads can be Jefferson. And finally there can be a girl/boy and there can be for the girl is Melissa and the boys Jack. You can add that on your story. You can make your story better by telling if the family of fun had a family .Even I liked it when you said { To this day the family of fun eats bubblegum, but now all the stomachs in the world refuse to eat bubblegum, so remember if you like your stomach don't eat your bubblegum just chew on it. It was funny because the {Family Of Fun}only eats gum. In the morning, in the evening, and finally in the night. Is is the only thing that family eats everyday? And my other question is if that are you going to make a other story? But not the same. Maybe you can add if the {Family Of Fun}ever ate something health .Not the same thing over and over. Your story will need something like this{Even the dog ate gum too. If that family had a dog . And Thank you for sharing your story .
    By ,
    Isamary

    ReplyDelete
  53. Dear Caleb M.,
    I really like your story “Jenie In A Bottle.” My question for you is, why is the format like that? Another question I have is why do you have an “0” at the end of each “page”? Also, for in the future a suggestion is, why not put it in a presentation so the pages actually turn. Like a book, except for on computer. I don’t get when you say, “I want that, don't make me pout!
    Faster than he can run on four feet, he spoofed, and appeared right there in the car.” I was thinking that you could be more pacific about that. I really like the part when you said that little Mickey could not see over the wheel. I thought that that part was the best. One more thing, thank you for sharing your story with me.
    ~Brittany

    ReplyDelete
  54. Little League Looser
    Dear David,
    I liked your story in all different ways. I liked when you repeated “johnny johnny don’t throw a fit always try never quit”. I also liked your pictures. I liked your pictures because they were so detailed.Especially the jersey because the pants have the lines and on the first picture it shows the motion of the bat swinging. The bat makes me think of the MLB (Major League Baseball) players bats. I liked how the ending was like Johnny hit the ball and also caught the ball. Also Johnny was soon to be the best. I was wondering what the L on Johnny’s jersey. I was also wondering why is Johnny wearing a batting helmet in the out field. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

    Sincerely,
    Nathan in 5 grade

    ReplyDelete
  55. Dear Ian,
    Your story about Cookie attack is really great because it teaches kids how to do the good thing and not to do the bad things like Carlos the cookie. Your Character Carlos is a great example of being a bad person because Carlos hates vegetables and destroys houses like bullies. But your story had a lesson for kids about Carlos the cookie changes his attitude to being a bad person to a nice one. I also wanted you to know is that I really liked your story about the cookie attack. Maybe you could published your writing for kids to read about a cookie being bad to vegetables to turning nice could teach a lesson for kids. I also liked about how you use your imagination about Carlos the cookie and Clark the carrot. I have a connection about your setting Hidden Valley about this commertial Hidden Valley ranch and may be you got your setting from that commertial. My question is that will you write another book to show to students or kids. Thank you for sharing your hard work in your story.
    Sincerely,John

    ReplyDelete
  56. Hey Kassy!

    I'm really glad that you liked my story. I wrote this story from the real story that happened to my best friend and i know that some of us had to struggle with similar situations.
    P.S. I know that you thought that it's a dog, but it was a bat with glasses=)

    Anastasia(Nana)

    ReplyDelete
  57. Dear Jay,
    I am very impressed with your feedback. And I want to say thank you for all of your positive comments about my story. I did in deed do the drawing for the book and not myself, also when I was writing this I put myself into a child state of mind. So I want to say thank you again,
    Sincerely,
    Ambir

    ReplyDelete
  58. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Dear Matthew,
    I really like your story “The Biggest Bully.” My question for you is, why is the format like that? Why don’t you put all the phrases together? Why do you have the ending like that. I was also think if you could make the ending more clear. What does “SBBG” mean? The part I like best about your story is when you put what the characters are doing in your story when they aren’t talking. For example “(runs off),” when SBBG tells the Kyle to not pick on Johnny anymore. The other part I like best is when Johnny keeps saying, “Please not today!” One last thing, thank you for sharing your story with me.
    ~Brittany

    ReplyDelete
  60. Dear Caleb M.,
    I liked your book,"Jenie In A Bottle." I liked how you started your first sentence. As a reader, that first sentence pulls me into the story and really want to read, so the things in your story are fantastic! In the beginning of your story you have a patient Jenie. Later you have a inpatient boy and how he can't focus for the thing what everyone wants. Later that person said, "I just wish I was more focussed." In the end, Your Jenie is still patient and a patient and thoughtful boy. So in your story you have a lesson, that lesson is to be patient, thoughtful, and be careful for what you wish for! At least I think that is it! A suggestion that I have for you is that you should have Onomatopoeia and Antithesis. Onomatopoeia is words that sound like their meaning.
    Like using words like Buzz, Thump, Snap. Antithesis is the exact opposite in one thought or sentence like, “He decided to “finish” his homework before they “finished” him!”Another suggestion that I have is that you should add all the bright and beautiful colors of the firecrackers even though they ruined the mournful day. A question that I have is, what do you mean when you said,"was a singe box of firecrackers that ruined the night that very mournful day?" Another question I have for you is, why did you choose this story instead of doing another story? I have to say that you have done a spectacular job at putting great words such as spoofed instead of saying he then was in the car. I could just imagine that I was the character in your story that opened a jar with a Jenie in it, wishing for three wishes, and using my last wish for something that would make everyone happy for the fourth of July! Thank you for sharing your story with me.


    Your Reader,
    Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
  61. Dear Matthew,
    I really like your story “The Biggest Bully.” My question for you is, why is the format like that? Why don’t you put all the phrases together? Why do you have the ending like that. I was also think if you could make the ending more clear. What does “SBBG” mean? The part I like best about your story is when you put what the characters are doing in your story when they aren’t talking. For example “(runs off),” when SBBG tells the Kyle to not pick on Johnny anymore. The other part I like best is when Johnny keeps saying, “Please not today!” One last thing, thank you for sharing your story with me.
    ~Brittany

    ReplyDelete
  62. Dear Kyle, author of “Waking Up To Snow”,

    I really liked your story. One thing that I really liked about your story was that you made your main character have so much imagination. I really liked how you made her think of making a town of igloos, and becoming the mayor. I also really liked your description of the hot coco, how you said the hot coco was frothy. I agree, that hot coco, when it is hot, is frothy, and I really like my hot coco like that. Next, I liked how you made your lead, how you tried to pull the reader in right away. When you said, “I have always wished for a snow day that would make all of the town come to a stop.” I kept on reading because I was wondering, why? I really liked your adjectives too, how you said, “Big shiny spoon,” instead of a spoon, and how you said, “Feathery pillow,” not only pillow. It really helped me create an image, how the pillow was feathery, all fluffy and puffy, and I could also create an image in my mind about the big shiny spoon, like how all silverware looks after its been thoroughly cleaned, and I can imagine the spoon under the pillow, all cozy under it. I was wondering though, maybe you can make a more thought provoking ending, like, instead of stating what she was thinking, you can just write down her thinking, like this, “I went to sleep, thinking how much fun I would have the next time the snow would stop the whole town.” Thanks for sharing your work!

    From,
    Jay

    ReplyDelete
  63. “The Big Prize”
    By Tiffany Gutierrez

    Dear Tiffany,

    I think that your story was very good and you added really good details such as when they walked to the carnival and when they were looking for the money. I think that you could add a little bit more detail to the part they were about to go on the roller coaster. But your story was really good and you added good adjectives and verbs such as when you wrote whirly twirly tidy topsy turny super duper fastest roller coaster. My favorite part in the story was when they both went on the roller coaster. I think that you could add the description of how Antonio won the Ring Toss, like this is an example: Antonio threw the ring and it bounced off a bottle knocking it down and was caught on another bottle. Also you could add description on how the roller coater went again an example: Anna and Antonio got on the roller coater buckled their seat belts and the roller coaster took off at the speed of light. I think you did really good though. Also I have some questions, How did Antonio lose the money? Did Antonio feel scared when they were about to ride the roller coaster? Also, is this a true story? I would like to thank you for sharing your story. This helped me and I hope it helped you.



    Sincerely,
    Nasr

    ReplyDelete
  64. Have You Seen
    My Mom?

    BY Haley Kellog

    Dear Haley, I think you did a great job on your story because you stayed on your topic. You didn’t go off topic by talking about something that was totally off the subject.I also liked your story because I can really connect to it. Like when my mom and I go to the store, I’m talking about some new to I just found and I turn around and she is not even there! So then I have to go all around the store and look for her just like the Giraffe did in your story. At the end of your story I like how you started to say how the Giraffe found his mom ,I was thinking you can end your story a little stronger. For example you could of said ‘’Out from the distanced a tall,wide figure filled my eyes’’ or something like that.Otherwise I love your story, it was GREAT!

    Sincerely,
    Kovan

    ReplyDelete
  65. ‘Herman The Dancing Turtle’

    Dear Claire Rouse,

    I like how you added what kinds of dancing does Herman the dancing Turtle do. I will like your story because I feel like I can relate to it. The other part I liked about your picture is how you added day/night to one of the pictures and the other picture how you added Herman thinking about the children in the hospital that are sick. But on some
    parts of your story I got confused lie in the part that says So he could make more days look a little less bleak. What does the word bleak mean?
    I think you should add more details in the sentence They were laughing so hard, they were nearly bursting. You should add what was Herman doing that made the children laugh so hard that they were nearly bursting. The other part I liked from your story is the pictures and how you added the crown on Herman’s head like a king. I like how you use strong words in your story like bursting and glorious. Thank you for letting me read your story ‘Herman The Dancing Turtle’!
    Your friend,
    Alyssa

    ReplyDelete
  66. What About Glasses?

    Dear Anastasia,



    I liked how in your story you provided detail about how the little girl felt, also what everyone else did , this would help readers by giving them more detail would not only improve their reading, but improve their writing skills also. Also,I think that’s kind of funny that it was a dream and then it happened to your sensei because not not only happened to you in your dream but, happened to her in real life, I thought that was the most funniest parts One thing I would change though is when you say a girl giving you advice tell us what she is saying ( paragraph five). I also really liked how you used a lot of nouns to describe what the little girl was feeling and what the kids were saying to her, like when the kids said, ‘’I’m never going to play with you again.’’ I liked how you added detail to make a movie in my mind and also in other peoples minds when they read this story. I would make one change though. One thing I would change is when you say , ‘’But, I guess it was a day dream, since I woke up with a scream, and saw a girl giving me advice’’. Maybe tell what the girl was saying to the girl so it can create a movie in the readers mind. Also when you said that her advice helped you twice, maybe say how it helped you.


    Sincerely ,
    Jazmine

    ReplyDelete
  67. Dear Trevor Wilson


    Your story was great but you could of changed Joey went behind and splashed the water to scare the fish. Why would joey try to scare the other fish If he could scare the great gold fish ?
    Or the the great gold fish not is no scared of anything.This story helped me as a reader because It said that don't let people make you give up on your dream.
    This story was a good detailed story like The Fish was so bright it blinded them to look at It. It also reminded me of when i caught a fish that was three pounds with my god father. Here's one thing I would change Excited, Sarah and Joey started running as fast as their little legs could go towards the light. Why would you run towards light in the ocean it maybe wasn't the great gold fish? Would the great gold fish be so strong to break the net they had caught him/her. How did they cook the great gold fish? .


    Student Joaquin

    ReplyDelete
  68. “Herman The Dancing Turtle”
    Dear Claire Rouse,
    You have a nice fiction story. I like how you thought about the people in the hospital, and the sickness people. I like that the dancing king thought that he need to do something for the sick. I think that you should use another word for bored, and sad. For sad you should put melloncally, and for bored you should put as blank as a rock. As a reader it helps me put a picture in my mind because it shows what is going on. I like the book because it has a turtle, its one of my favorite animal, I have went to the hospital to get stitches, and l see when kids are in the hospital, someone comes in and cheer them up, like Herman did to the other people. As you said that “He was the master of the ballroom and the connoisseur of pop. He could jive, he could tango.” I like how you put a certain kind of dance. What kind of dancing kind did he do? I like it, and it was great. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

    From,
    James

    ReplyDelete
  69. Toothless Granny
    Dear Michael M,
    I really like how you told about how the Granny was so old and how she had ogre teeth. I would think that it would probably be embarrassing to have a Granny like that. One thing that I liked the best in your story is when you said that Granny was one thousand years old. I think that maybe you should look back through your story and maybe put more into it. In one part, you put tommy without the capital t. I think that you can maybe add some more adjectives that mean the same as the word but bigger a juicier. It will make it much better if you add the adjectives to your story and it will be perfect. But one thing that got me more into the story is when you said ogre instead of bad breathe. Really good job on that, I also like how you repeated some of the sentences over and over again to make it good. One question I have for you though is, why did you choose to write about this one story instead of choosing a whole different story?

    Your Reader,
    Madison

    ReplyDelete
  70. My Favorite Season


    Dear Leigh,

    I liked how you wrote about the seasons and what they have in them. Maybe you could make a picture about your favorite season. You did make a picture in my mind about the seasons like when you said in the summer no school just pool that’s what summer brings. And when you said Popsicles and lemonade stands. I also liked how you asked if that season was there favorite season. My favorite season is summer because we don’t have any school and we can swim and hang out out side with our friends and also have cold drinks. We can also stay up late with our family. In the summer I stay up till 3 or 5. I watch TV with my dad and play my video games By the way you could have some better words. You could use freezing drinks or blazing hot days. Also you could use different ones.And also By the way what is your favorite season. Is it one of these? Summer,winter,or fall? Thank you for sharing your work. It was really good.

    Your friend,
    Ethan

    ReplyDelete
  71. Have You Seen
    My Mom?

    BY Haley Kellog

    Dear Haley, I think you did a great job on your story because you stayed on your topic. You didn’t go off topic by talking about something that was totally off the subject.I also liked your story because I can really connect to it. Like when my mom and I go to the store, I’m talking about some new to I just found and I turn around and she is not even there! So then I have to go all around the store and look for her just like the Giraffe did in your story. At the end of your story I like how you started to say how the Giraffe found his mom ,I was thinking you can end your story a little stronger. For example you could of said "Out from the distanced a tall,wide figure filled my eyes" or something like that.Otherwise I love your story, it was GREAT!

    Sincerely,
    Kovan

    ReplyDelete
  72. “Herman the Dancing Turtle”
    Dear Claire Rouse,
    I really liked your story. I like how you used good adjectives such as connoisseur, brightened, glorious, and wonderful. to help describe your story. With all the details you put in it was really easy to make a picture or movie in my mind. One thing you didn’t do was tell the setting before Herman went to the hospital. Another thing I noticed was that you had the right punctuation in the right places and you had great vowels in your story too. One thing I don’t understand is first you said that Herman was going to dance for the children in the neighborhood then you said Herman went to the hospital to dance for them. Were the children in the neighborhood at the hospital? I think in the future you should become a children's writer. Thank you for letting me read your story.

    From,
    Eli

    ReplyDelete
  73. What About Glasses?

    Dear Anastasia,



    I liked how in your story you provided detail about how the little girl felt, also what everyone else did , this would help readers by giving them more detail would not only improve their reading, but improve their writing skills also. Also,I think that’s kind of funny that it was a dream and then it happened to your sensei because not only happened to you in your dream but, happened to her in real life, I thought that was the most funniest parts One thing I would change though is when you say a girl giving you advice tell us what she is saying ( paragraph five). I also really liked how you used a lot of verbs to describe what the little girl was feeling and what the kids were saying to her, like when the kids said, ‘’I’m never going to play with you again.’’ I liked how you added detail to make a movie in my mind and also in other peoples minds when they read this story. I would make one change though. One thing I would change is when you say , ‘’But, I guess it was a day dream, since I woke up with a scream, and saw a girl giving me advice’’. Maybe tell what the girl was saying to the girl so it can create a movie in the readers mind. Also when you said that her advice helped you twice, maybe say how it helped you.


    Sincerely ,
    Jazmine

    ReplyDelete
  74. What About Glasses?

    Dear Anastasia,



    I liked how in your story you provided detail about how the little girl felt, also what everyone else did , this would help readers by giving them more detail would not only improve their reading, but improve their writing skills also. Also,I think that’s kind of funny that it was a dream and then it happened to your sensei because not only happened to you in your dream but, happened to her in real life, I thought that was the most funniest parts One thing I would change though is when you say a girl giving you advice tell us what she is saying ( paragraph five). I also really liked how you used a lot of verbs to describe what the little girl was feeling and what the kids were saying to her, like when the kids said, ‘’I’m never going to play with you again.’’ I liked how you added detail to make a movie in my mind and also in other peoples minds when they read this story. I would make one change though. One thing I would change is when you say , ‘’But, I guess it was a day dream, since I woke up with a scream, and saw a girl giving me advice’’. Maybe tell what the girl was saying to the girl so it can create a movie in the readers mind. Also when you said that her advice helped you twice, maybe say how it helped you.


    Sincerely ,
    Jazmine

    ReplyDelete
  75. Dear Michael,
    I liked that part that you took the tooth paste from your Granny. But there were some parts where I got confused and it did not paint a picture in my mind in some parts. But the rest was good because it made me feel like I was there with you Michael. Also I liked that you told me what kind of tooth paste it was that you brought your Granny. So that painted a picture more because you added information to it. Also the pictures were good because you added good details to them. I also liked your pictures because they had a lot of details in it. Michael you did a good job with your story because you used strong words to your story.Also there is a question I want to ask you if you were like about 6 years old when you did this?

    Your friend,
    Estefani

    ReplyDelete
  76. The Biggest Bully

    Dear Mattew,
    I am tyring to help improve your story at the beginning I see that you do not tell much about the setting you say by the flag pole where in the middle of nowhere. You should also add more action like when the Kyle grabbed Johnny you might add Johnny tyred to scurry away but the next thing Johnny know kyle has him by the neck. But some words help me create a picture in my mind like when johnny said ok ok ok, please don’t hurt me!! Just put me down. I also liked the action in your story and the emotion it also helps me under stand the story much better. I also like the way the hero was introduced in your story. but I am confused at the end when he said (Mom wait come back) so you might add to that. But I like your store it to me really engaged with the main idea and I also liked every thing with the super hero. But with the super hero may be you can add that in the distance a tall figure appeared. That's all the help I can give you thank you for sharing your work with me.
    Your firend,
    Justin

    ReplyDelete
  77. Dear Jay,thank you for taking the time to read these stories and give our class great feedback. I like how you pointed out the good things that were in the story and things that you had questions on. Such as, the description in Ambir's story and why they made the kids say certain things.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Thank you Cecilia for commenting on my childrens fiction story.you understood the moral almost perfectly.I hope you enjoyed the story.

    ReplyDelete
  79. Dear Jay,
    I know I have already sent you a response but I was in a crunch for time so I did not have enough time to do the response properly. To answer your question about why I made the kids repeat the saying “What happened to Timmy the Turtle?”, I did that because when I was younger all of the children's books I read or had read to me had one saying that was repeated throughout the story. Also you asked why I didn't stay with the saying “Timmy is lost.”, I didn't stay with that saying because after so many pages the reader would have been tired of that saying. Furthermore I wanted to say thank you for reading my work, when my teacher told us that you and your classmates would be reading our stories I got nervous because I thought my work is not the best I have done so thank you for all of your positive and up lifting comments.
    Thank you again,
    Ambir Kalthoff
    Author of Where is Timmy the Turtle?

    ReplyDelete
  80. Edgar,

    Thank you so much for the feedback on my story! I'm really glad you liked it.
    I wrote in a lot of short paragraphs because I wanted the story to be read like a picture book, and writing it that way works better for the way it rhymes. I'll take another look at it and improve on the things you told me to!

    Thanks again,

    Claire

    ReplyDelete
  81. Dear Jay,

    Your comments and feedback are very insightful and helpful, and I am sure they will help the writers of those stories. Though no one commented on my story specifically, after reading your feedback to people I really like how specific you are and it is obvious you actually read their story and put some though into your comment.

    Thanks for commenting on so many people's stories.

    From,
    Chris

    ReplyDelete
  82. Dear Carlos,
    Thank you so much for reading my story! I'm so glad you liked it. It really is sad that Max had to move. I got the idea from when I was little and had to move from California to Washington. The house on top of the hill that's in my story is just like the one I lived in. And I'm really happy that you liked my introduction, I worked really hard on it. And I like the word delirious, too!

    Sincerely,
    Bre (Author of Of Mice and Max)

    P.S. I would really love to see some of your work as well!!!

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  83. Andrew Joseph SzuchApril 20, 2011 at 8:34 AM

    Dear Isamary,

    Thank you for reviewing my story. I really liked your suggestions, they helped me to learn to become a better writer. Giving the "Family of Fun" an ending that teaches children to eat healthy is a great idea and one that would send a good message to the youth. Also making names for the family in my short story would make them much easier to relate to, I thought that children wouldn't care about names of characters or the plot in a story, but you showed me first hand that just because your young doesn't mean you don't enjoy a great read. I look forward to your reply.

    Sincerely,
    Andrew Joseph Szuch

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  84. Dear East Elementary Student,

    I'm very impressed with your feedback. You gave a lot of good positive comments and some good constructive criticism. I liked how you said what you liked about everyone's story in specific detail.

    Since you did give awesome feedback that can help us write more stories like that in the future and improve on making them better.

    Thank you so much for all your feedback and support. :)

    -Marissa.

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  85. Dear Kara S.,

    Thank you so much for reading my story "Musical Mice! Turn out the lights!" I apologise for making the story a little lengthy, but I wanted to emphasise on each event the mice had to encounter the following day, so thank you for persevering through it. You will soon discover that you will go far in life with that particular skill. Thanks again!

    -Skyler D.

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  86. Dear Jay,
    Thank you for reading and commenting on so many of my classmates' stories. I really liked how you gave such specific advice. You also asked really good questions. I liked your comment about how using short sentences is the best for a children's story. I think that advice will help my classmates and I write better children's stories. Thank you again for sharing your opinions with us!
    Your friend,
    TeeKay

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  87. Dear Brittany,

    Thank you for your comment regarding Calebs book. I like how you thought deeply about Calebs use of words. I didn't know what he meant by spoofed either when I read his story too. I agree with you about your comment on Mikey not being to see over the steering wheel because it shows his youth and confusion while he is driving. I'm sure this feedback will help Caleb out just fine.

    Sincerely, Alex

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  88. Thank you dragons for reading our stories and giving us feedback on them. We appreciate the support and willingness to take time to help us become better writers. I hope the stories appealed to your tastes and you liked them. Love the lion pride, go dragons!!

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  89. Hey Jeremiah!
    Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it!!! My favourite part about writing the story was drawing my monster party! I remember being the little kid that sat in the bed thinking 'Monsters are going to eat me!!' so I decided to write about not being afraid of big ol' dark. I never really knew what to name the kid but I think I might have named him Skip... it's a fun story name, especially since you can name people anything!! I had the idea of making the monsters nocturnal, like owls, and that's why they come out at night because they are sleeping during the day! oh ho ho. :)) Thanks again for reading my story I had tons of fun writing it and knowing kids out there like my story, it makes me feel like a million dollars!
    Have a fantastic rest of your day!!!:D
    Karen

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  90. Hey Jeremiah!
    I really liked you comment about cookie attack. I think you are so right! We all want to know what kind of cookie it is. Thank you and all of the rest of the kids for your help!
    Mollie N

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  91. Hey 5th graders! Thank you for providing such great feedback for all of our stories. This really helps us get better at writing fun stories. i hope that you will be able to come up with stories like ours too. Thanks again!
    From Kyle :)

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  92. Dear East Elementary Fifth Graders,
    Although my story was for an older audience, I wanted to thank you all for your comments and feedback! I liked the comments on their word choice and I also liked how some of you asked the authors questions about their work. You all are really awesome, and I am so glad we got chance to work with you. Your feedback will be so helpful to us in the future, and we will keep your comments in mind as we work to improve our writing skills! I am really impressed by your spelling and punctuation; I never knew how to punctuate sentences when I was in fifth grade. Keep working hard, and you will do well in middle school!
    Love,
    Lauren (Web Designer)

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  93. Dear Jeremiah,
    I am a friend of Karen, and I would like to thank you on her behalf. I really like all of your comments. I thought they were very insightful, especially wanting to know the main characters name. Thank you very much for your feedback, it will make us all better writers.

    Sincerely,
    David

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  94. East Dragon Den students,
    thank you for all the feedback on everyone's children's stories! Your comments on our stories help us expand our writing, especially on this specific assignment where the focus was writing for children. Questions also help us with clarification of our writing.

    Anna Ranger

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  95. Dear Joaquin,

    As a fellow reader of Trevor's story, I would like to first, thank you for the comments! I too felt the moral of never giving up on your dreams was very inspirational. Secondly, I also felt like there were some questions about the story that left me guessing as well! I too wonder how great the gold fish really was? Your comments are so awesome and will help many of us to better understand our own writings. Again thanks so much! :)

    - Katelyn

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  96. Dear Jay,
    You did a very good job at responding to "The Wild Recess" by Alec. I like how you included in great detail what you liked and why you liked it.

    From,
    Sohanur Rahman

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  97. Dear, Jay
    Thanks for all the great comment you put on my story. To answer your question "why did you add that the teacher sometimes let the kids play more." I said this becuase I want to show that this was a high pressure situation and to show that this was the last play of the day for the win.

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  98. Dear 5th Graders at East Elementry,

    Thanks so much for looking at our stories and making great comments on them. Your comments are really going to help us as writers. We look forward to you reading more of our stories.

    Thanks Again,
    Your Littleton Lions

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  99. Dear 5th Graders at East,

    Thank you so much for reading and commenting on all of our stories. They will help us become better writers. Thank you again for taking the time to read our stories.

    Your friends,
    The Lions

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  100. Dear Mae!
    Thank you so much for the feedback on my story.I really appreciate it!It really made me re look at different parts of my piece. I'm glad I wrote something you could relate to because that's exactly what I was trying to do,connect with my readers. This is because that's something I went through all the time in elementary school due to my love for music. I said all the kids were going to tell or tattle to show how annoyed everyone was getting of teddy. Pitter pater is just another example of a nose teddy was making, it kind of sounds like rain or tap dancing. I completely agree that I should add more to ending about Teddy getting fames. That was a great idea!

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  101. Dear, Brittany
    Thanks for commenting on my story and I like all the things that you said about my story. "What did the first person have James do (when everyone else was laughing at what the other person had said about James)?" I did not have him do anything because I did have time to answer his question. This happened becuase they were laughing and we had to start the game.
    Thanks agian,
    Alec

    ReplyDelete

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